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Showing posts from September, 2017


"Everywhere around you – within you actually – is that sense that everything is okay, that beautiful okay-ness. It’s in the cells of your body. This is what you are. When you can find this deep presence and unconditional love, right in the middle of our deepest fear, then you get the sense of it. It’s right in the stillness. It’s the stillness itself. You’re surrounded by it – outside, inside. It’s who you really are."


By the fire

Standing at the fire at Temenos on New Year’s Eve I knew that if I threw everything about Ian’s relapse into the fire – all the pain and hurt and anger – that if I committed to letting that go I would have to also commit to letting Ian go. I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but when I opened my eyes Ian was gone. He had been directly across the fire from me and now he was gone. I was left to stand by the fire on my own, and I knew that I’d have to be okay with that if there was any hope of really being free.

I haven’t thought much of that night in the months since then. But now, 9 months later (incidentally the same amount of time it takes to grow a child), I was reminded of it – of that moment and of everything that has come to pass since then. I thought that making the decision to throw it all into the fire was the end – that it would bring closure. But now I see –it was the beginning. The beginning of becoming comfortable and complete alone by the fire of my own soul.

I t…


In mid-June, before I left for America, I had a session with Peter (my amazing psychologist. God bless him.). It’s been a while now, so my memory is hazy about exactly how it all transpired, but I remember that shortly before that session I had had an experience that felt very, very important when it happened. During a potluck AA meeting at my home, I was reminded of a memory I’ve thought about countless times over the years – being at Pratt with Jim and Noah and all their artsy, druggy friends. It was nighttime and we were most certainly high and the boys were causing some kind of trouble. There is one moment that stands out to me, though. I was sitting in a chair in a corner. Out of a haze, I could see myself clearly. How did you get here? I asked myself. This is not who you are. Almost before I could finish the though I quieted that part of myself (the truest part there was!). It was too painful. I didn’t know any other way. I didn’t know how to be anywhere or anyone else besides …


I think I had one of your dreams last night
so I'm going to write a poem
because that’s what you would do

I could feel you from a million miles away
clover smile
moonlight in your chest
shining out
into mine

Any sorrowful road you ever walked down
you walked because you thought it led to joy
I know that, my friend

I know who you’ve always wanted to be
and I see you that way
from the inside out
like I’m in there, with you
and you see me this way, too
and it’s good

A poem my dear friend Jenny wrote for me on 15 September 2017.

"The Storms of Change: Your Soul's Need to Evolve"

"...And so you came here to evolve, and rapidly. You came here to upturn and challenge the restrictions upon your soul energy that have been in place in your most recent past lifetimes on Earth.

You came here, during this brief physical incarnation, to move mountains within, and release oceans of repressed spiritual and emotional wisdom.
You came to live a life that is unlike your most recent past lives, because this is the lifetime in which you change everything.
You have to release the repressive past on an almost unfathomable scale; whilst simultaneously rekindling the awareness of an almost unfathomable spiritual-majestic power that has lain dormant within you.
You were always destined to spend a lot of this life's journey wondering what 'on earth' is going on. This is, in and of itself, a key part of the process to remembering the divine feminine soul, and how you were always destined to be the One who shook humanity into remembering Her.
Loosening the mind…

A prayer of praise & love

"The fact that you are even on this healing path deserves a giant spiritual high five. Diving into the abyss of this spiral is a brave commitment to yourself. To seek to understand and not ignore. To sit with your stuff and hold your hand to the fire in service of more joy, more fun, more love and more peace on the other side. Not everybody makes the choice to say: 
I will not turn a blind eye to my life. I will walk toward my pain instead of backing away.
I will not fall under the cultural spell and programming of society that wants me to numb out and stay productive at all costs so I don't feel "lazy" and bad about myself.
I will be gently curious about my motivations and the roots of my feelings.
I will run everything I hear (even from people I love, respect & admire!) through my own filter to see if it rings true for ME.
I will shower myself with compassion and tenderness as I move through this work so that I feel safe and protected with this new vulnerability…

Rumi and beauty

"...Let the beauty of what we love be what we do.  There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."